What do I stand for as a person? I know what I would like to stand for.
Firstly, I want to stand for integrity. I want to be known as the geezer who walks the talk, takes action when he says he will, delivers on promises and lives his own values. I get angry when people don’t deliver what they say they will deliver. It annoys me because I put a lot of effort into getting to the right place at the right time and when I’m left sitting around looking like a knob it’s not pleasant. I’m also apologetic when I turn up late and I’m very quick to put my hand up and say “my bad” when I stuff something up. To me integrity is the essence of following thought with action and I have very little time for people who don’t bother. I can get quite angry with myself when I don’t do the things I say I was going to do, like getting up early, going for a run, eating healthy and getting all my study done for example. While I enjoy wasting time as much as anyone, I get a bit miffed when it stuffs up my own deliverables so I try to get the work done before the playtime begins.
Secondly, I want to stand for honesty. When I’m sitting in a meeting full of geeks prattling on about random computer related stuff I quite prepared to say this is a waste of time and can we get to the point please. I love saying “I don’t know” when I don’t know stuff. In the United Kingdom this was seen as a badge of honour and earned respect from my peers. In New Zealand people just look at you a bit funny. I don’t see any point in wasting other people’s time with bullshitting, nor do I see value in pretending I know something when it’s quite obvious that I don’t know it at all. The value I bring to the table is that I have lots of skills when it comes to figuring out what I need to know in order to get the job done. I know where to look and I know the process of learning and what’s important. It goes back to the integrity thing as well because I get pissed off if people say they are going to do something and don’t put the effort in and don’t keep me abreast of the situation. If I wanted to be a nagging project manager then that’s what I would do for a living. I am a highly paid subject matter expert that works to very high standards and I expect the same of anyone who works with me or for me.
Thirdly, I want to stand for pride. I want to shout my values from every street corner and push them into people’s faces until they start getting upset about it. What’s the point in having strongly held beliefs if you are going to sit their like a typical New Zealander and moan about it behind peoples back? The way people will run away from confrontation in this country astounds me. Grow some backbone and say what you think. Don’t sit their all quiet and then mutter about it to your friends behind the speakers back. There is something fundamentally wrong with a society where the only sense of shared pride we have is for sports starts and uneducated people who become rich and successful. What’s wrong with being educated, smart and proud of it? I’ve started a discussion group on Facebook that is there to encourage people to stick up for themselves. I’m publishing all of the output of this paper and all the others so I can show people just how smart I am and to share the thoughts that I have had. Leader as teacher is not possible unless you get out there and teach. Sharing everything you know is the first step. As is self honesty.
Now that I have gotten that little rant out of my system it’s time to get to the guts of what this discussion paper is about. How much do I really live these values? I’m no saint when it comes to honesty. I’ve lied, cheated, stolen and gotten away with it. I’ve done some things that have irrevocably broken relationships and no amount of forgiveness seems to be appropriate. Most of the long term visual memories that I can recall with cinematic vividness are moments where I have been doing these things that are either wrong or stupid. They make me wince with guilt. The question I have asked myself is should I simply leave town and start again with a clean slate? Or should I simply keep quiet and make the conscious choice not to do those things again? To date I have taken the second option have been pretty successful at keeping temptation at bay. The tricky thing about crossing boundaries is that the goal post have shifted and it takes a strong will to stop trying to push things as far as they will go before you get caught or destroy yourself in the process. Maybe I will take the easy road and make a fresh start somewhere else one day, reinventing myself and filtering out the undesirable elements of the past. Unlike in the movies, the world is big enough and the past only lasts seven years in legal terms. Maybe I will reconcile myself with clean living as the best compromise and to prevent unnecessary collateral damage to others. It’s hard to say at this point but who knows what the future may hold for someone as impulsive as I am. It seems to me that I have a strong desire to do a lot of things all at once and seek out constant change and variety. How I will manage this when I have commitments to keep other aspects of my life constant is an interesting conundrum and I guess I will just have to see who life pans out and what the outcomes will be. It will certainly be interesting to read this document in the context of 30 years in the future.
In summary, I have to say that the absolute value that I hold most dear is to be a bullshit free zone for the remainder of my life. I may only have a small pool of “real” friends but I would rather have that than be false to myself. They probably won’t be all that impressed with a lot of the things I get up to in the future but at least my friends are the kind of people who are prepared to say when I’m being a dick and tell me to my face.
No comments:
Post a Comment